The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
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Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
definitely did not do anything wrong
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually