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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok