Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
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*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Last-minute gift idea!
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.