TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.