Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
girls literally only want one thing..
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.