If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
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*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
i spent way too long on this
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard