What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
You Might Also Like
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Simple enough.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.