My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
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Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior