I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
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(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.