“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Ah yes. The three genders
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork