All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
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Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Uh oh…
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader