The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*