If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Botany good plants lately?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!