Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
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Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Okey dokey.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.