When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
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Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.