*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
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I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first