Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
You Might Also Like
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?