You Might Also Like
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I have so many questions.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.