My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
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Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
the best thing i’ve ever made
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
no such thing as a dumb question
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.