I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
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Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.