her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.