Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
For those that worship cheese..
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.