god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
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I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.