Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
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Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.