Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
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The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.