Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
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COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Name another movie that mislead you?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!