Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
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A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…