20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
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When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer