John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
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My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral