might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
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Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
They’re not wrong
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Yes, but it was never about money
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).