Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*