I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
This is a sub tweet
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.