My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.