Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
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And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread