[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR