[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.