She is very cute, has great energy! 馃槀
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“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Can you rent a shark? It鈥檚 time sensitive
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn鈥檛 matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy鈥檚.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I can鈥檛 get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I鈥檓 on the phone
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don鈥檛 know how to get me to open up half the time
I鈥檓 always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
If you read the bible in reverse, it鈥檚 about the world鈥檚 population killing each other until there鈥檚 only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
You never truly appreciate Newton鈥檚 laws of motion until you鈥檝e sneezed while going to the bathroom.