ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.