In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
🤣🤣
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.