if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant