I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
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Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope