14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
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There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8