My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
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Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
translated into Canadian
Would you wear it?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.