Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Stop.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.