Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
c’mon!
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now