I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
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History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”