Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
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Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.