“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
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You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
New comic up. “Ransom”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.