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Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Dance like you’re not the father
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
This kid is a star!
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed