Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….